Today

Hi, everyone. Weird emotional day over here that started with a yoga session that seemed to have made me worse and ended up with a really nice evening with my parents at my family's home. Everytime I can't stand how I feel (since yesterday), I try to tell myself that it will pass and that there is no chance in me changing the situation. Afterall, I have given the other person any and all options to change his mind and he has not. He will not, and I must accept. This perhaps the hardest life adjustment I have yet to endure. Every wise man, woman, and client alike tell me that this won't last forever and I will grow to be a stronger better and more independent person. I hope and pray that I will get over my increase in anxiety and depression as a result of this situation and that I will be able to challenge these feelings and do whatever it is that my heart desires. I have been leaning more on my friends and family, but have been trying to not overbook my schedule with spending time with others so that I can be alone with myself. I'm trying to get back to church and prayer as well. I tend to do this episodically when in desperation. I am feeling rather desperate to feel better. But as I've mentioned before, my friends, family, coworkers, (even my clients) and my resilience is helping me to push through. I am taking the max effort to not attach onto another, as I have done in the past. I am eager, yet scared, to face this fear of not being with him (or anyone else), of not knowing where he is, what he is doing or where his life is taking him. He is free. I am free. This scares me and makes me sad because I do not want it to be like this. My only concerns at this time should be my own and the ones who have chosen to stay a part of my life. This is also part of the reason why I am not on my personal facebook or instagram anymore. I am not yet ready to see him living his life without me or see his relatives or our mutual friends on facebook. I'm not ready to live my life again just yet. All that I am ready to do is my day-to-day exercise, work, and chore routine--all while surrounding myself with people who choose to remain in my life and love me. My simple goals at this time are to eat, keep my apartment and clothes decent/ clean, work out a little, and go to work. I am OK with this, as this is what I can count on myself to do on even the worst of days. I know in time I will become stronger. I have been sleeping more and eating less but that is OK. My body knows what it needs. When it needs interaction, I talk to a friend. When it needs food or coffee I give that to myself.  Etc. etc. I did my laundry tonight at my parents' house so now I have to tackle my dishwasher, put my clothes away, and settle into some journal, reading, and guided meditation before I rest for sleep. I am becoming a diamond, gaining strength and beauty from pressure and adversity.