Sitting on my couch

So I'm finally home after my long day of work, longer because I was dreading coming home to see his stuff removed from outside my apartment door. I was contemplating walking around the nearby Lord and Taylor for a little to look at nice things and take my mind off of my current situation. Sometimes distraction is good and sometimes it just delays the inevitable. I decided to not go because of that reason. I would have to face this whether I went to the store or not.
I began feeling anxious and sad once again tonight during and after facilitating a depression group at work. I left work a few minutes earlier because I had trouble sitting with the anxiety. I began my journey home. I was in one of those moods where I feel like I have to cry but can't fully cry. I knew that if he picked up his stuff, then this is official the end. I pulled into my street, wishfully thinking his car was parked and he was waiting for me to come home, telling me it was the biggest mistake he ever made. On my drive home and on my street, I scanned for cars that looked like his. I wanted to desperately to see him, but knew it isn't healthy for me to do so. His car was nowhere to be found. On most Thursday nights, I would look for his car. It would be in a nearby spot and he would be inside my apartment, awaiting for me to come home after my long day with a hug and a kiss. I feel like I would do anything to get that back at this time. I also do realize I am going through the "normal" healing and grieving from a break-up process. I wrote him a letter that I saw he took from the envelope. I allowed myself to cry about the finality and then I lit some sage to help clear the negative energy that has been created here since Friday. I'm sad, but I also am learning to realize glimpses of my awesome characteristics. I get positive feedback from my clients, friends, family, and therapist. I am a work in progress, but definitely someone worth their while. I have a good soul. You can't get that from a fancy school or fancy job. You get it from being your authentic self. Goodnight, and thank you for reading this and growing with me. <3