Hey, guys. I have to tell you that since last night I 've been actually feeling like myself again. I cleaned my room, took out my garbage, rearranged some things, got a grocery list together and put my Christmas decorations up. I was feeling pretty good today and excited to set my own path for MYSELF and do what I, and no one else wants to do, in order to find out who I truly am. Today I am realizing the finality of my relationship when he comes to pick his stuff up today (I will not be present for this, as planned). On my way out the door to go to work, I blew a kiss to the box and said goodbye to both the wonderful and the trying times him and I have shared. Part of me wants him to not pick up his stuff and change his mind, but I do realize that I need to accept reality and make the most out of this time for myself. I've been filling up my mind with positive affirmations, yoga, self-help books, supportive people, and positive songs. My mornings tend to be pretty good and hopeful. I notice that I start feeling anxious and sad typically during the afternoon, but bounce back in the evenings. I tell myself that this is a process; that this is healing. I make sure to highlight my successes--not my woes-- to others.
What was an ordinary daily task (and one of many) has now become great successes to me--as my therapists puts it. I saw her today and had a really good and honest session. I had never heard a therapist tell me straight up that I experienced childhood trauma. Pretty much everyone has minimized it in my life thus far. Every little task has become a success to me. I have done yoga 2x this week and want to continue going to the gym tomorrow after work...after I do my long overdue laundry tonight. He would usually come over on Thursday nights and the last time I saw him was last Friday. I will continue to stay positive throughout my pain of missing him and will keep busy. It's important to be able to spend time alone and just "be". I've already learned some lessons from this experience. I want to explore my spirituality and any interests and hobbies that I may gravitate towards. I want to figure out who I am, what a stand for, and what type of schooling or training I take most interest in--that I will pursue. I want to reconnect with family and friends. Right now, I am scared, anxious, excited, sad, mourning, relieved, happy, and numb all at the same time. And that is OK. I'm allowing myself to go through this process. I began longing for him during my lunch break because I went to a place where him and I had frequented a few times. Again...this is OK. I have to keep it moving, keep working, and keep taking care of myself as I care for my clients.
And by the way!... I also didn't remember my dreams last night, so as far as I'm aware, I didn't have any nightmares! I rested my pillow atop 2 crystals (rose quartz and lipidolite) that are said to help block bad energy and nightmares. Whatever it really was...it worked! Sweet daydreams at work, everybody! <3
No comments:
Post a Comment