Ready to board a flight that was mine.

I woke up frantically all of a sudden a few minutes ago awaiting my would-have-been trip to Florida that I will never take, with the one I love. I can't sleep. I tried a guided meditation and sleep music. I tried breathing, grounding exercises. I am hypervigilant. I am in fight-or-flight, literally ready to get on a plane and fly. I am still in utter disbelief. I would never be able to go on a trip that was meant to be for us by myself in this state of mind. How can he? How is my recovery so much harder and different from his? It is true that there is no one quite like me, my feelings or my experiences. Perhaps this was too much for him to handle.  I feel like I lost. I lost a vacation, a friend, a lover. I am the girl with a masters degree that doesn't matter. A career that doesn't matter. Afraid to speak in the presence of some others. And have flawed genes. I am so sad that I was led to believe this about myself. I am even sadder to partially still believe this. I guess I don't fit in with his friends and family. This communicates to me that I'm not good enough. This experience has basically taught me that. Here I am sitting on my couch anxiously trying to calm my sympathetic nervous system's reaction to what is going on. I'm just trying to make sense of it all and how this experience is somehow supposed to make my life better and me stronger. I am not seeing it right now, and I have no other choice but to push on. I can't help but wonder what he is doing a lot of the time. I can't help but wonder if he thinks of me. I sometimes lose control and text him or email him with no response. I think he knows that that is best for me. Every day since December 1 has been the hardest day of my life. I experience a roller coaster of emotions everyday (some better than others) and get up to go for another ride on the next. I am functioning and I am strong. I am able to work and carry on with my pretty-much normal daily functions and am lucky the nature of my job offers a lot of social interaction and support from my coworkers. I knew the 13th to the 18th and then my birthday on the 19th will be difficult, so my body made sure to get me up early to prepare for the ride. I don't want to celebrate my birthday now that he is not a part of my life.  I can't help but to wonder what he is doing, if he is thinking about me, and how he is feeling. I feel broken, anxious, and depressed. I feel it in my bones and my nervous system. I am young and physically strong and hope to bounce back soon. I really can't believe the extent of the pain that I am feeling. I am told that it gets easier. I don't want to die or be rescued by anyone. I want to save myself so that I can be a better girlfriend, lover, friend, and wife and mother one day. I owe it to myself and my future family. He said I wasn't going to change. I am quietly proving him wrong as I work through this difficult time. He will likely not experience the benefits of me when I feel better. I will experience these benefits,and in the distant future, as well as someone who is right for me. I so desperately want it to be him at this point in time, but I have to be open-minded and open-hearted only after much time in this healing journey and after my mind has eased up.  I think I wrote myself to exhaustion now, and will try to rest my eyes and fall asleep on my couch. There is only room for 1 person to sleep on my couch. This is my space and always has been. Positive affirmation: I am OK. I am healing and feeling through deep wounds. Goodnight/good morning.