Missing you...but I've missed myself.

I'm feeling a little down tonight, but also a little up. One would call this neutral, I suppose. I am feeling "sprinkles" of positive and negative thoughts tonight. I am frustrated and angry as well. I'm also happy to be spending time alone tonight and learning how to be alone. He's not here, but I really feel like watching a movie tonight. He loves movies. I saw an advertisement for the new Star Wars movie on Spotify followed by a depressing song (that I couldn't skip...I'm not a premium user) towards the end of my workout. We enjoyed watching Star Wars together and he had actually bought us tickets to see the new Star Wars movie with his friends when we were planning to go on vacation. Now he is just going. I would never be able to go on a trip that was meant to be for us as a couple, but then I go alone. I want him to feel how sad and left out I feel and I want him to experience loneliness and longing for me on this trip. It is how I feel and it's just not fair. I'm still in utter disbelief that this happened. How can you go from telling someone you love them "a million times more" than whatever and then break up with them the next day? I think it is cruel and harsh. I don't deserve that. I don't deserve to feel like I'm not good enough, that I won't amount to anything. I began believing it and I lost myself completely. I'm trying to rebuild my self-esteem, but it's hard when these outside critics have become negative automatic thoughts in my head. The people that didn't like me got their way. I was overpowered. I know I'm a good person with some stuff to work on (hello...why I created this blog), but come on! I really hope that he feels some regret. I have a lot better to look forward to honestly...perhaps one day a family that accepts me for ME. I will be successful if I follow my interests and passions independently of those who are narrow-minded and put me down. Why'd he have to side with them? Ugh. Sometimes I don't know whether writing and talking about this makes me feel better or worse. Anyway, gotta keep trucking and tend to some chores and meal-making on this snowy Saturday night...perhaps watch Elf?