I was at a training today at work. I stared out the window thinking of him. I felt (and still feel) restless, anxious, and miss him dearly. I crave even the most unpleasant activities we would do together; I just crave wanting to be with him. I am used to coming back to texts from him or at least hearing from him during the day at work. This transition is very difficult, as no one can replace him...his personality or anything about him. I feel so restless and anxious, like I want to crawl out of my own skin. I want to cry. I don't understand how this could happen to me. How 2.5 years can change so quickly...how someone who I loved and adored stopped loving and adoring me back so suddenly. Maybe this was a long time coming; maybe I was blind to and scared of the idea of him no longer loving me. Maybe I still am. My body is still in shock from all of this and has been in a state of hypervigilance since the event, waiting for the next loss. The trauma reaction that this perceived (and also very real) abandonment has on my body is lasting and I do my best to work through it. I am my own social experiment at this time. The "it" that I am working through is the exhausting emotional and physical need of another. He was my other. I don't think he really knows or understands the type of struggle I have or why I do. I don't wish these feelings on anyone. I myself am just coming to understand it. I am innocent and mean well. I am sorry for the person I was that acted out of fear of losing him. I lost him and I am simply just trying to get through my days. Some are better and some are worse. Today is worse. I accept this and it is OK. I will not die from these feelings, if anything, I will live to be stronger from them. Please keep me in your prayers and send good vibes and intentions. Thank you.
Please read the article below if you are interested...perhaps you can get a better understanding.
http://degree180.com/a-traumatic-breakup-can-actually-cause-symptoms-of-ptsd/#sthash.EXf0QhZ7.dpbs
No comments:
Post a Comment