Moving to Wordpress!

So I decided it was time for me to move on to Wordpress. As of today, 12/23/2017, I am continuing my blog at the following website address: learningtolovememarie.wordpress.com. Please continue to follow me on my journey towards healing, self-love, and happiness! Xoxo Blogspot, Me...Marie!

Clearing the cobwebs

So I have to admit, I have been a functional depressed person for the past 3 weeks. I let my apartment get dirty and dusty and the sink pile up high. I am usually a decently organized person who at least plans a day during the week to get everything in order, but I hadn't done that in 3 weeks. I kind of stopped caring. This trickled down to other areas of my life as well. Thankfully, I have had the same drive to help my clients (but not to complete the paperwork). It feels good to literally clear the cobwebs and wipe my apartment clean like a new slate. I was starting to feel funky as work came to a close, but I pulled myself out of it by focusing on what will make me feel better! I am thinking about switching over the Wordpress, as there is not too much of a following on Blogger and I feel that my blog can actually help people and accrue some additional support which we all need. :) I'll be sure to post the new link, should I make the switch.

I miss seeing you after work on Fridays

I really miss this. A lot. Coming home to you in my bed working from home, hopping in bed with you and feeling your warm embrace. I have to provide that to myself today. My body and mind is yearning for him on this cool cloudy day. I have to be my own comfort from now on. It's OK to miss him and to think about him. I had a dream last  night that my worst nightmare came true. I did not want to discuss it here or reprocess what I had dreamt. As you learn about yourself, you learn what you can elaborate on and take and what you can leave. I have 2 more client to go and then I return home. I feel sad, but I have to keep it moving. I acknowledge that there is going to be some residual missing for some time. An intense 2.5 year loving relationship doesn't just go away in our memories or our hearts. The art in that is being able to carry on with grace and love for the self. I have been stumbling and ask for the forgiveness of anyone I have hurt because I am hurting. The pain feels less acute as each week goes by, but it stays with me- especially during this time of the day when it happened. I'm going to hop off-line and prepare for my client. Send yourself some extra love this holiday season. I know I'm going to try to send lots of it to myself and to the special people in my life who support me. Lord knows I need it myself.

Good day to give and receive!

So I found myself being a little elf this morning buying giftcards and writing cards to my coworkers and my therapist before work. It felt so so good to give to those who have supported me through thick-and-thin in my life and at this job. Last night I went to do a little Christmas shopping and I found myself feeling depressed because so much reminded me of him...to the point where I contemplated buying something and mailing it to him. I have a good and loving soul. He knows this. I think our love was cut too quickly on his accord for more reasons than he had mentioned. That is my opinion of the matter at this point in time. So as I was elfing around today, I felt really good about giving to those who have helped me. I got in to work, handed out a few giftcards, and then I saw the dreaded red light show up on my phone, indicating that I have a voice mail. Time to kill my fun gifting because my client has arrived? No...it was a voice message from "upstairs", the big boss people who make the financial decisions from approving CEU courses to salaries. The person who left the voice message indicated that I wasn't in trouble and shouldn't worry, and asked me to come upstairs when I had the chance before my first client. A coworker clued me in before that this news is "good", but didn't want to spoil the surprise for me. So I walk upstairs, heart pounding, not knowing what I was going to get...and guess what? As of January 1, I got a bump in my salary! A raise! A much-needed raise! I am so close to my LCSW licensure that it will increase more once I'm fully licensed. Happy Birthday, Christmas, and New Years to me! He would be the first one I would tell, but the ones that truly are there for me shine during such times. I called my parents and then my friends! Now back to work, so I can actually prove that I deserve this raise! :P

Well that was an unexpected turnaround

I woke up feeling absolutely horrible this morning. Shaky, anxious, borderline panic attacky and overall sad and angry about a long-winded string of saved texts and memories I sent to him last night and reviewed to myself this morning before deleting them. This morning I felt like I couldn't go on with my day or my life. It's such a paralyzing feeling...so I did something about it. Manually got myself out of bed, did some reading,  watched some inspirtational TED talks, did some journaling, and then I took my ass to a yoga class by the river. My mood and perspective completely changed since I walked into a peaceful room full of very supportive yogis (I lucked out this class and even got some chocolate at the end!). I told introduced myself and told them my life is a mess...they embraced me, saying "join the club!"  It is most necessary to keep busy and to surround yourself with others often. No, I won't forget about my sadness among other feelings (in case anyone was wondering), but at least I can replace a thought here-and-there with me and not him or negative feelinfs. Now I'm going to try to keep it moving and try not to dwell on anything that may throw me off-course. I'd really love to develop some type of structured program for people in similar situations to my own right now, or even better, a prevention type of program so that little kids don't end up feeling like I am feeling as an adult. I am also extremely fortunate to have the money to take yoga classes, go to private therapy, engage in meditation, be exposed to technology and education, and treat myself to gifts from the heart. I'm having a hunch with this field of self-care. Maybe I'll take it somewhere someday. Maybe I'll become even better.   

Life is tough. Life isn't fair.

Another whirlwind of a day. I'm thinking about taking my healing process on a less public platform. I can update about things that have helped me. I find the push to go within tonight, as I am feeling a lot of different ways on this 27th birthday of mine. Goodnight.

Birthday wishes and therapy thoughts

Although I feel somewhat like crap here-and-there today and missing him, I do experience moments of bliss and joy from people who care about me that send me well wishes and vibes. I can't get over how truly stormy emotions can be, as a first-hand observer. They go from tropical storms, to hurricanes, to tropical depressions, to sunny days on the beach...and in no set order. Sometimes they feel intolerable, other times they feel tolerable. Just like a difficult yoga pose or a difficult workout, I know I can persevere through the sometimes extraordinarily painful. Other times I need to give myself a time-out to catch a breather, take a child's pose, or have a sip of water--feel the effects of my journey and my process. Mental health is so confusing, with so many contributing factors-- it is not an exact science or clearly understood. Hell, this shit is so hard to figure out that us therapists should get paid a lot more than we are trying to help people navigate and make sense of their lives as we try to do the same. It's really quite an abstract concept and topic, yet it essentially comprises of all of our beings. #Whatisthemeaningoflife

A birthday prayer

I am missing him today more than most days and missing how special and loved he would make me feel. Now it's as if we don't even know each other. I have mixed feelings about whether I want to hear from him, though I told him I didn't. I am angry; I feel betrayed. However; luckily, I have a lot more going for me than just a (now ex-) boyfriend. However, this boyfriend was the love of my life. I acknowledge that no one can replace him or our memories together. On the same token, no one can replace my friends, family, coworkers, and even former clients who have reached out to me today.  My 26th year of life crushed some dreams for me, hurt my self-esteem (perhaps even my tear ducts), and made me question literally every aspect of myself. I allowed myself to go through a lot of crap...for love, and it didn't work out. I have learned countless lessons from that year alone. Here is to new beginnings with the people in my life who have stuck with me through thick and thin. I can't thank you all enough for your love, support, and presence. Here's to 27! 

I don't like this one bit

There...I said it. This fucking sucks. And it's going to take time...and I hate sitting in these fucking bullshit feelings. This was not my choice. Life's just not fair. Hopefully I'll have my glory days soon. Honestly, the way I'm feeling just sucks. Living alone is also fucking hard after this. My parents and I are teaching myself to not rely on them. I am not scrambling for plans to spend every moment occupied. I need time with myself, but it's been miserable lately. I guess  I'm going to do a little journaling then probably cry myself to sleep as per usual. Happy fucking early birthday to me. This will probably the most difficult birthday I've had to endure. I was supposed to come home from Florida today and relax tomorrow. Nope. No vacation days for me because I can't not be doing things because I'm so depressed from this. I want to stop surviving and just start thriving. I don't have a personal facebook or instagram, so the people in my life who love and care for me will make themselves known tomorrow by wishing me a happy birthday. I don't want to hear from him. I can't even pretend that he is still in my world. I thought I was going to get a fitbit or some giftcards for my birthday, not fucking heartbreak. I never deserved this or a lot of the stupid treatment I put up with. Love is stupid and I will never give in to it again. I feel hard, cold, and angry. I don't care to go back from feeling this way anytime soon. I won't even wear a claddaugh ring I bought for myself. My heart is not open and it is not taken. I just hope to God I have a good birthday filled with love from those who are unconditionally there for me. That's the least I deserve.

Now I'm angry

This means it's time to distract myself with some other productive task, but I need to get this out into the universe. I just want to say that it is SO VERY fucked up what he did to me...leaving me abruptly after 2.5 years, right before a vacation and during a week where I was feeling depressed about his family not accepting me.  I needed love, support, comfort...and he left. The only hope I have in my heart right now is to never have to endure such cruel treatment like this again from a man. I didn't deserve this just because I was sad, that my heart and soul were hurting. I mourn, grieve, cry, and I assume he is already over this, thinking in only logic like his family wants him to and not in terms of all of the memories, emotions, secrets, and vulnerabilities we shared together. Maybe I didn't mean anywhere near as much to him as he did to me. This is an extremely hard pill to swallow and everyone around me tells me it will take time. I thank God that this intense pain is not steady and that it comes in waves, enough for me to work and function. I learned that when you think you know a person, you really don't. I'm going to be so careful in the future. I may not even want to date or marry again. So before I start crying and getting hysterical and thinking about if he landed safely or if he is anywhere in proximity of where I am now (oops already happened)...I will go make my meal for the week. This negative energy isn't going to do me any good and it's not going to bring him back to me.

Anxiety brewing

I start feeling kind of anxious at around 3:30 PM every day, which is around the time he broke up with me. It's worse on Fridays. On top of that, I just got an email informing me that my flight from Ft. Lauderdale is departing at 5. More reminders of where I should* have been and what he ripped away from me, including our relationship and his love. Google is usually great, but it totally sucks right now for my anxiety and depression. Seriously, fuck you, Google. Let me stay in the present. Okay...back to work the best way I can. I was very busy today and decided to give myself a break at 4 for a Starbucks tea to calm me down. Self-care is important. So is eating cookies. I did that too.

Wishing him a safe flight

Because I still love and care about him and I'm not an asshole. I'm better than he will probably ever get. Even if I was supposed to be on that vacation.  Part of me is in denial totally, all of me wants things to be different, and reality tells me that I need to let this all go. Stepping out for a coffee as I begin to feel my mood changing to sad, wanting to pick him up from EWR like nothing ever happened, like I wasn't even supposed to be on that vacation.

Hey, Monday

So I had a really nice time with my parents last night just hanging out at my home where I grew up. Since our birthdays fall in the same span of 1 week from one another's, we exchanged gifts. I'll share what I shared on my instagram post on here a little later. I'm at work now and feel OK! My apartment is clean, my laundry is done, my dishwasher is running, and my office at work is clean with a few new cozy touches. I have a small to-do list to tackle tonight for the upcoming week, which I am looking forward to accomplishing. I had a really nice conversation with my stepmom today, and  I continue to listen to the audiobook "Codependent- Now What?" on repeat in my car. Today I wore a shirt I haven't worn in a while. I'm trying to change things up here and there to show myself something new either in appearance or in my thinking pattern. I applied my complete R+F regimen today as well. I am concentrating at work.  I hope and pray this feeling lasts. I know it'll get easier one day and maybe today is just a glimpse of what it will be like. I found myself singing this song and having a new ease and faith I haven't experienced in a long time:

Today

Hi, everyone. Weird emotional day over here that started with a yoga session that seemed to have made me worse and ended up with a really nice evening with my parents at my family's home. Everytime I can't stand how I feel (since yesterday), I try to tell myself that it will pass and that there is no chance in me changing the situation. Afterall, I have given the other person any and all options to change his mind and he has not. He will not, and I must accept. This perhaps the hardest life adjustment I have yet to endure. Every wise man, woman, and client alike tell me that this won't last forever and I will grow to be a stronger better and more independent person. I hope and pray that I will get over my increase in anxiety and depression as a result of this situation and that I will be able to challenge these feelings and do whatever it is that my heart desires. I have been leaning more on my friends and family, but have been trying to not overbook my schedule with spending time with others so that I can be alone with myself. I'm trying to get back to church and prayer as well. I tend to do this episodically when in desperation. I am feeling rather desperate to feel better. But as I've mentioned before, my friends, family, coworkers, (even my clients) and my resilience is helping me to push through. I am taking the max effort to not attach onto another, as I have done in the past. I am eager, yet scared, to face this fear of not being with him (or anyone else), of not knowing where he is, what he is doing or where his life is taking him. He is free. I am free. This scares me and makes me sad because I do not want it to be like this. My only concerns at this time should be my own and the ones who have chosen to stay a part of my life. This is also part of the reason why I am not on my personal facebook or instagram anymore. I am not yet ready to see him living his life without me or see his relatives or our mutual friends on facebook. I'm not ready to live my life again just yet. All that I am ready to do is my day-to-day exercise, work, and chore routine--all while surrounding myself with people who choose to remain in my life and love me. My simple goals at this time are to eat, keep my apartment and clothes decent/ clean, work out a little, and go to work. I am OK with this, as this is what I can count on myself to do on even the worst of days. I know in time I will become stronger. I have been sleeping more and eating less but that is OK. My body knows what it needs. When it needs interaction, I talk to a friend. When it needs food or coffee I give that to myself.  Etc. etc. I did my laundry tonight at my parents' house so now I have to tackle my dishwasher, put my clothes away, and settle into some journal, reading, and guided meditation before I rest for sleep. I am becoming a diamond, gaining strength and beauty from pressure and adversity.

From saditude to gratitude

So today started off with a yoga class at the cozy by the river. Some of the people that go there (and that go everywhere in the world) can be super obnoxious. I witnessed one class member act inrecdibly rudely to another. This other is actually a really sweet woman I sit next to during the Saturday morning class. We have great rapport and always ask about one another. Her daughter recently broke up from a 2 year relationship like me. I could not believe that arrogance could exist in a yoga studio. I briefly spoke about the situation to the sweet woman. In that moment, I realized I had a voice and that I identified and supported what was right. Yoga class was pretty easy, so I decided to go to the gym before my doctor appointment in the afternoon. For some reason, the gym has a tendency to make me angrier and perhaps more emotional because the endorphins are going and I have a lot of energy as a result. I found myself questioning everything about everything the moment I sat in the car on the way to my appointment. I thought of all the different things I am changing and that I want him to be in my life. And that we have what it takes to fix this and be able to live well and with each other in love. I sat in this feelings for my 45 minute trip to my doctor. I did not want to sit in them anymore, so I tried calling him. The first time I started to cry and hung up after the voicemail message went on. The second time I left him a voice message, followed by a text message. He did not respond. I don't think that is the worst thing in the world, but I so desperately want him to come home with our stuffed animals, and give US another chance. So I was feeling pretty beat up about this today. I showered, ate some frozen pizza, then took a nap. I was awoken by a text from my friend asking me where I am. I shot up out of my slumber, ordered some chipotle for us, and headed over to her house. She and her mother sat down with me to talk about everything that has happened. There was a lot of love there and a lot of love and fauth in me. I have no doubt that tonight has been one of the bests in a long time. I am really loved, and in different ways, by family, friends, coworkers, mother's of friends, etc. I am worthy of being loved and of finding true love! But first and foremost, true love of myself. I am grateful for all that I have- people, places, and things.

One of my dreams

So I'm thinking about when all this shit is said and done and I'm a kickass-successful-independent woman-who-don't-need-no-man, I'd like to do something with this painfully beautiful discovery and journey to help others in this unfortunate predicament. I have some ideas brewing, but I have to do the work first on myself. I've thought about writing a book, starting some type of primordial preventative program. But the one thing I've got on my mind is a TED talk one day. Set goals and then go get 'em! About to do some journaling, eating, and reading. I actually feel cozy in my apartment with my free time to be as productive or not as I want. I've got my Yankee Christmas Cookie candle burning as I see the snow atop my trees. These are times of presence and thankfulness....manifestation. I already have a yoga class scheduled for the morning at my favorite studio, a dr. appointment, and then I am having dinner and hanging out with my friend and meeting her new pup!

Oh and I did a thing.

Missing him on Star Wars opening day

I couldn't help but think about that empty seat next to him at the movie theatre in Florida or that ugly sweater party he told me about the day before he broke up with me. The day before he broke up with me he also told me that he loves me "a million times more" than an ugly sweater party.  It totally sucks. I don't know what I did to deserve this. I have feelings, I felt sadness about always being put down, but I stuck through it because of love and for hope that things would get better on all ends. For chrissakes I'm a therapist. I KNOW if people care enough about each other then they MAKE it work. I know we hit a rough patch, but I didn't think we were so bad off. At least, he never gave me any indication of this or that things need to change. Totally blindsided. I still believe that things can get better. But if he is not strong enough to deal with what our lives have thrown at us, then he is not be the one for me. I'm still a bit in shock. My clients are asking me about my vacation. I'm telling them what happened and they are in shock. They can't believe it almost as much as I can. It still doesn't feel totally real. It drives me nuts when I think about it so I should keep this post to a minimum and go do something else. My vacation days are screwed at work. These aren't issues to me really. The main issue is that the man who I was/ am in love decided 2 weeks ago to rip himself out of my heart and my life cold turkey. I'm not over it and shouldn't BE over it. The general concensus I hear from people is: "That fucking sucks and doesn't make any sense." I am not a monster. I feel sad when things upset me and become angry when I feel threatened in anyway. I do need to work on this and believe me I have. I am also not perfect. I love with all of my heart and feel for others with all of my heart.  I never felt good enough because of all the messages given to me,  despite my own personal success and my many attempts to be accepted and liked. I internalized this, became depressed and angry, and became all of a sudden "too much" to handle. The right man out there would stick this out with me because they truly love me. Life isn't always going to be pretty and happy and agreeable. I struggle with the lack of connection, so I try to focus on my career and self-care activities. I am off of my personal social media, which helps. I think I'd freak out if I saw a picture of him right now on the vacation we had planned to take together a few months ago. I need o stay disconnected because I am SUPPOSED to still be in his life right now and it is too fresh and I have too many feelings. It fucking sucks and totally hurts, but I'll carry on. It'll fucking suck and hurt less as time goes on. Tonight I am settling in, doing some reading, having soup, and doing some networking. Taking care of myself on this snowy Friday night.

Busy day

So today has been very busy, but it is starting to unwind and I'm started to feel myself getting anxious to go home and missing him. I don't want to give in to these feelings and let them rule my world. Today was a significant day for us for our plans in Florida. We were supposed to be there until Monday. How much this hurts, you have no idea. I also don't deserve this hurt. Today I went to grab a coffee with my coworker, which was really cool. We talked about my current situation and her thoughts on it. I really have nothing bad to say about him. I have a lot of bad things to say about the way he broke up with me and how it has made me feel. Such is life. My heart is beating fast because I am feeling anxious and sad...not knowing where he is or what he is doing. We kept close tabs on each other for over 2.5 years to nothing. This is really hard for me. I can acknowledge this, accept these bad feelings, and move on with my day and MY schedule, not worrying about his. My goal is to type up a few notes then head home. I hope and pray I don't cry a lot (or any) tonight and just get my tasks completed and enjoy time by myself. I am starting to get that anxiety feeling before I cry and get angry. I will do my best to use my mindfulness skills to keep it at bay. Yesterday was my first day without a stomachache and last night I don't think I dreamt. I woke up feeling pretty shitty today, but genuinely enjoyed my sessions and meetings today. Trying to stay focused on what I can do to help myself.

Today was not bad.

Today was overall not bad. I think that's the best I can get at this point in time. I will take it! I am exploring my career options, went to a conference, got some insight on a PhD program, and then went to work to run a group and do some notes. 13-hour workday! I'm not even tired, because I enjoyed it! I am still wondering whether I should try to explore the corporate sector. I have a potential meeting with a business school/MS program admissions person in 2 weeks. I'm thinking I can perhaps combine the best of both worlds this way. My parents tell me that they can see me being an administrator and without a MBA. I don't think it would hurt. I need to give this decision some time. We (I) shall see. I am not going to deny thinking about him today or continuing to grieve everything we had...the people, places, and things we shared together. I feel like I would do anything to be in Florida wirh him right now, like I was supposed to be. This makes me sad. It may always make me sad. I had a great talk with my therapist on the phone on my way home from work. I can only do the best I can do from keeping my mind from going to places of sadness and depression regarding my breakup (and my day-to-day life). It may happen, but I need to not try to bring up these thoughts. I had a busy day so I was well distracted and am so grateful for that. I decided to deactivate all of my personal social media accounts and will perhaps delete them altogether and start anew (or not) in the future. I may be fine without them forever. I can't make any big decisions right now due to being vulnerable and still a bit shaken. I can explore and keep an open-mind though. It's me, myself, and my career right now (and my friends and family). No time or mental capacity for men. I am still in love with him. I don't even want to look or be near other guys at this point. Guess this is an excellent time to make career and education moves. Looking on the bright side tonight!  Goodnight. I'm curious as to what dream my brain is going to attempt to process this situation with tonight! :P

Hey, guys

Hey guys. I had literally no time or proper internet connection to write today. I attended a day-long training on trauma and attachment, which was very insightful for myself and my clients. I also really don't have it as bad as a lot of people. I am grateful for this and to have at least some resilience. I say this while in a calm state of mind, but it is true! I also talked to the instructor about doing a PhD program. The wheels are turning in my head to complete more school while I am independent and living alone. I know to not jump at anything at this moment in time as I am going through a lot of emotions and shouldn't make any big decisions at this time. I'm back at work now and have to be sure I keep busy. This idle mind gets depressed and misses him easily. It is actually not really unexpected. 2.5 years is a long time and I wasn't expecting us to end so soon. I decided to come back in to work and allot myself some flex time to run my group and to catch up on some notes. Wanted to keep you updated on my day, since I usually write 12345 things a day and haven't written yet. Thanks for reading! :)

Goodnight

So I have finally calmed down and began prepping for my day tomorrow when I realized that I registered for the RIGHT seminar on the WRONG day. Good thing I caught that. Seriously all this stress has got my brain in a bit of a fog. It's resolved and it is OK. No panicking here. I'm looking forward to learning how to manage my very own struggle at this time better and why I am the way I am in the workshop I will be attending tomorrow. Hopefully I will bring in some insight here and to my own life..and of course to my clients' lives. So tired and drained. Goodnight.

Temporary fixes

I find that family and friends are great and helpful social supports, but at the end of the day, it's me and my mind who I have to deal with. I have to sit with these sad thoughts alone in my apartment. No one experiences them but me and I feel so alone. I don't know when this storm will pass, but I pray it is soon. I'm so exhausted, physically sick, and sad. Everyone says that it is normal, but this sure as hell is not any type of normal I'm ever adjusting to.

I wish you know what it was like to be in my head.

I'm seriously wondering if I'm ever going to be OK again or if I'm going to change from this. I can't bear to keep living like this. I need to hear more accounts of people who have conquered this difficult challenge as survivors able to love themselves before loving another. Our computer system is down at work so I have time to write about this. I better go organize my papers. I want to go home early. I'm so very upset about this day, the day I was supposed to be away with my love and my best friend...who is no longer.

Staying Career-Driven

I am doing my absolute best. My phone is going away because it is not serving me right now. My personal instagram and facebook accounts have been deactivated. I am not ready to be exposed to the world or to social media as me. I need to try to put this all aside and focus on my job and my career.

 Mantra: I am succeeding. I am successful.

Ready to board a flight that was mine.

I woke up frantically all of a sudden a few minutes ago awaiting my would-have-been trip to Florida that I will never take, with the one I love. I can't sleep. I tried a guided meditation and sleep music. I tried breathing, grounding exercises. I am hypervigilant. I am in fight-or-flight, literally ready to get on a plane and fly. I am still in utter disbelief. I would never be able to go on a trip that was meant to be for us by myself in this state of mind. How can he? How is my recovery so much harder and different from his? It is true that there is no one quite like me, my feelings or my experiences. Perhaps this was too much for him to handle.  I feel like I lost. I lost a vacation, a friend, a lover. I am the girl with a masters degree that doesn't matter. A career that doesn't matter. Afraid to speak in the presence of some others. And have flawed genes. I am so sad that I was led to believe this about myself. I am even sadder to partially still believe this. I guess I don't fit in with his friends and family. This communicates to me that I'm not good enough. This experience has basically taught me that. Here I am sitting on my couch anxiously trying to calm my sympathetic nervous system's reaction to what is going on. I'm just trying to make sense of it all and how this experience is somehow supposed to make my life better and me stronger. I am not seeing it right now, and I have no other choice but to push on. I can't help but wonder what he is doing a lot of the time. I can't help but wonder if he thinks of me. I sometimes lose control and text him or email him with no response. I think he knows that that is best for me. Every day since December 1 has been the hardest day of my life. I experience a roller coaster of emotions everyday (some better than others) and get up to go for another ride on the next. I am functioning and I am strong. I am able to work and carry on with my pretty-much normal daily functions and am lucky the nature of my job offers a lot of social interaction and support from my coworkers. I knew the 13th to the 18th and then my birthday on the 19th will be difficult, so my body made sure to get me up early to prepare for the ride. I don't want to celebrate my birthday now that he is not a part of my life.  I can't help but to wonder what he is doing, if he is thinking about me, and how he is feeling. I feel broken, anxious, and depressed. I feel it in my bones and my nervous system. I am young and physically strong and hope to bounce back soon. I really can't believe the extent of the pain that I am feeling. I am told that it gets easier. I don't want to die or be rescued by anyone. I want to save myself so that I can be a better girlfriend, lover, friend, and wife and mother one day. I owe it to myself and my future family. He said I wasn't going to change. I am quietly proving him wrong as I work through this difficult time. He will likely not experience the benefits of me when I feel better. I will experience these benefits,and in the distant future, as well as someone who is right for me. I so desperately want it to be him at this point in time, but I have to be open-minded and open-hearted only after much time in this healing journey and after my mind has eased up.  I think I wrote myself to exhaustion now, and will try to rest my eyes and fall asleep on my couch. There is only room for 1 person to sleep on my couch. This is my space and always has been. Positive affirmation: I am OK. I am healing and feeling through deep wounds. Goodnight/good morning.

Knowledge is power.

I have become absolutely fascinated with this topic, my feelings/ processing them, my physiological response, and where all of these emotions are coming from. I've been doing a lot of research on the topic, lots of work on myself (long way to go), and have gotten curious about the neurobiology behind this all. Although I struggle, I am very fortunate for the knowledge, resources, and inspiration that exists out there on the web and in print. I feel less alone and more hungry to learn more about myself and the psychology behind what I'm experiencing. I have struggled with negative thoughts and a sometimes-defeatist attitude throughout my lifetime and want to focus on recovery and solutions for myself and my clients. I'm debating whether there is a future for me in research and I  actually looked up some fully-funded programs. First stop is my LCSW, then figure me out and then where I want to take this career. MBA/ MS? PhD in psych? Super LCSW? Who knows? There is no pressure. I have people who have faith in me. Right now, it's just me, my family, friends and my interest and dreams. The emotional stuff can cloud all of this sometimes, but it's important to see the big picture. Believe me, I am trying.  You can probably tell that I'm in a positive mood now. I usually feel inspired around this time and overall better from my workday. I would normally be running around my apartment doing laundry, doing the dishwasher, etc., but I have made a conscious decision to slow things down and to not do chores if I don't want to late at night after my 1-9 shift ends. I feel better and more relaxed. There is no reason to rush or force things, whether it is with doing the laundry or with my life plans. I must settle into being me first and foremost (not an excuse for not doing the laundry though!).

Ebb and flow

I'm proud of myself for being able to stay at work and keep working hard despite how I am feeling. I hope to GOD that I prevail in the end. I feel like if you don't experience it, you don't know what it feels like. I feel like as long as I keep chugging along, I will come out of this as such a badass person. I am sincerely hoping for that.

Life is weird without him

I was at a training today at work. I stared out the window thinking of him. I felt (and still feel) restless, anxious, and miss him dearly. I crave even the most unpleasant activities we would do together; I just crave wanting to be with him. I am used to coming back to texts from him or at least hearing from him during the day at work. This transition is very difficult, as no one can replace him...his personality or anything about him. I feel so restless and anxious, like I want to crawl out of my own skin. I want to cry. I don't understand how this could happen to me. How 2.5 years can change so quickly...how someone who I loved and adored stopped loving and adoring me back so suddenly. Maybe this was a long time coming; maybe I was blind to and scared of the idea of him no longer loving me. Maybe I still am. My body is still in shock from all of this and has been in a state of hypervigilance since the event, waiting for the next loss. The trauma reaction that this perceived (and also very real) abandonment has on my body is lasting and I do my best to work through it. I am my own social experiment at this time. The "it" that I am working through is the exhausting emotional and physical need of another. He was my other. I don't think he really knows or understands the type of struggle I have or why I do. I don't wish these feelings on anyone. I myself am just coming to understand it. I am innocent and mean well. I am sorry for the person I was that acted out of fear of losing him. I lost him and I am simply just trying to get through my days. Some are better and some are worse. Today is worse. I accept this and it is OK. I will not die from these feelings, if anything, I will live to be stronger from them. Please keep me in your prayers and send good vibes and intentions. Thank you.

Please read the article below if you are interested...perhaps you can get a better understanding.
http://degree180.com/a-traumatic-breakup-can-actually-cause-symptoms-of-ptsd/#sthash.EXf0QhZ7.dpbs

Just a quick update

Why did this have to happen?

Today I am shaky, angry, and over-stimulated. I am anxious and overwhelmed. Yoga did not help. An annoying conversation with my stepmom did not help. I am shaking as I write this and have to leave for work in an hour. I have to see clients...people like I am feeling right now. Today is hard. I want to stay in bed and cry. I feel like a helpless little girl inside who doesn't know why this happened to me. Why I'm not good enough. Why I'm not smart enough. Pretty enough. Successful enough. This little girl doesn't know who she is because she has always been told what she isn't. I am so pent up with anxious and angry energy that all I can do is sit here and cry and take care of myself. No one and nothing can truly help me get through this but me. My world fell out from under me and a major chord within me has been struck. Today I feel that I will never get better. Today I don't want to carry on. My parents don't understand me, he is no longer there for me, and I don't want to emotionaly bleed over my friends all the time. I want to feel better, but I don't want to feel these feelings. I want to take a pill and have these feelings go away. That won't help for the long-term. I really feel broken today and panicked. Ever since this happened my anxiety level has been so high. It's really not fair to me how and why this happened. I don't deserve to feel this emotional pain. I have no release, though I so badly want to let it go.

56 more hours!

I decided to stay at work a little later tonight to do some more documentation and much-needed organizing because I feel as if I lost a week or so of productive paperwork time due to my personal crisis that had occurred (which this blog addresses). I was able to be fully present with my clients last week and happy during their sessions, but I needed to allow myself to fall apart a little and recharge more than I would have normally in between. So I lost precious paperwork time. I am giving this time to myself and my company tonight. I am organizing myself because I let my notes and my office "go". I allowed for this to happen as I heal and I am picking up the pieces. This does not reflect my work ethic. Perhaps this is a way in which I self-cared. I don't get comfortable for too long when my life or my physical space is messy, and I always do something about it.
As I was (and am) sorting through my papers, I wanted to also get a better idea as to how many hours I have until I can apply to become a LCSW. So I did the calculation, and...drumroll please!...I have 56 more hours to go! I'm so close! My next 56 clients better show! :P I am experiencing the idea and excitement of new beginnings and accomplishments without him. I wish I could share these moments with him, but him and his family wouldn't think this accomplishment is good enough. It still hurts. I am learning to teach myself to believe that I am good enough, though I have been brainwashed that I am not from numerous sources. I would say that 99% of people in my life think that I am good enough. That other 1% is his family and me. It feels weird to not include him in this accomplishment, but I am literally doing this ALL by myself. :)  (Of course not without the support of my family and friends ( and him for a while...))

Work work work

I'm very fortunate to have a job that keeps me BUSY. As you know, I am a clinical social worker (not without her own problems :P!) and I spend most of my day providing therapy to and interacting with my clients and coworkers. I know to always keep myself in check and to practice all that I preach and teach. I've been taking a lot of deep breaths today. I've also been teaching deep breathing to my clients a lot today. I noticed that I have been more focused on teaching clients specific techniques/ skills and providing psychoeducation lately. I like to help them problem-solve as I try to do so in my own life.  I have an hour break in between clients now, and I can't stop thinking about what the heck I want to do with my life now that he is not in it. I'm actually very confused and don't know how to separate my voice (wants, needs, and interests) from the the voice of others'. I am debating going for a PhD in psychology, Executive MBA/ MS for healthcare, or just continuing on with my LCSW and other trainings and certifications/specializations. I wish there was a "how-to" guide to my life. I know that I want more. I want a lot and I have a high level of energy to succeed. But where to direct it to?

Prayer before bedtime

I wanted to share a prayer as I unwind and get ready for bed. I found this prayer when I was in college and going through a difficult time. This prayer is very near and dear to my heart and I am referring back to it a lot during this time in my life as well. Though it's a bit sloppily framed, the words make up for it. Goodnight <3

Don't hate, sublimate!

So I was feeling really upset, angry, and anxious for the majority of my day. (as you all know)  I decided to do something about it and go to the gym. I haven't run as hard or as far as I did today in a long time. I returned home and felt myself getting upset again...but I had to shower, eat, and make dinner for the week (ground chicken doesn't last forever!). Getting your heart broken or getting upset never comes at a convenient time. I used my shower-time to relax and regroup and I absolutely killed adulting for the rest of the night. I had a lot of negative bad energy inside of me (this thing called anxiety), but I consciously decided to transform this self-loathing to envisioning my future,  editing my Linkedin for future opportunities and adding connections. I can create my future now, independent of our "plan" or his or his family's expectations. Since I'm not focused on him and approval from others, I can now focus on my future and what I want for myself in this life. I am a person with a high level of energy and realize I need to be careful of where I place it. I learned about the defense mechanism of sublimation back when I was studying psychology in high school. I find that this is something I do often and am proud of turning such unproductive thoughts, feelings, and behavior to those that are productive and beneficial to me and my future.  #addmeonLinkedin Goodnight.

They say it gets better...

I have been struggling today and feeling lots of negative feelings at a high intensity. I was supposed to see my friend tonight, but she could not make it and then I made plans with my parents, but they had an emergency to tend to. I received an email about the flight I was supposed to take with him this week. I don't want to repeat or I'll re-feel.  I'm not very hungry and I feel sick to my stomach. I really hope this gets easier. I'm pretty sure I'm coming out of the denial stage and experiencing some very raw emotions. It is in my hope that this hurting leads me to healing and to better things for myself than this pain that stings very deeply in my heart. I am trying to keep the faith. I am going to force some cooked frozen pizza down and lay in my bed and read. Maybe I will fall asleep. I do sincerely hope in my heart that it will get better. I don't see why it wouldn't, but it just sucks now. I think I need some radical acceptance to the face.

Turning over an old mat

Don't just go through it, grow through it.
#repost #photocredtome #captioncredtome

Follow me on instagram @learningtolovemeMarie :)

Snuggled up in my seafoam green blanket

Good morning! I'm sitting on my couch sunggled in my fuzzy seafoam green blanket. I'm missing waiting for him to wake up and eventually waking him up with kisses and snuggles. I feel cold and alone here. I hope he misses this too. He would always sleep-in late and snore loudly. I accepted this about him and we would often joke about it. Today I feel lonely and miss those moments. We would make our cute little beanie boo family talk. Feeling this way is OK. I am transforming. I am feeling serious and I am trying to focus on other things and what makes me happy. I'm also feeling tired today and I have a lot to do, but have been feeling pensive and a bit stuck. I may partially be in denial. However, all is really well if you think about it. Lots to be thankful for. You don't have to think too hard. :)

Boundaries

One of my family members helped me come to a realization. They brought up the idea to me that maybe writing on this blog is in fact a negative way to cope and a way for me to stay connected in someway to him. Perhaps some of what I am saying belongs in a journal or in my head.  Of course, the whole idea of boundaries is part of healing, learning, and growing out of codependent thoughts, feelings, and behavior. The topic of boundaries is a hot one in the codependent world. From now on, I will make my posts more brief and general. I will put more attention into my instagram: LovingmeMarie. I'm a living, learning, loving work in progress I am! :)

Missing you...but I've missed myself.

I'm feeling a little down tonight, but also a little up. One would call this neutral, I suppose. I am feeling "sprinkles" of positive and negative thoughts tonight. I am frustrated and angry as well. I'm also happy to be spending time alone tonight and learning how to be alone. He's not here, but I really feel like watching a movie tonight. He loves movies. I saw an advertisement for the new Star Wars movie on Spotify followed by a depressing song (that I couldn't skip...I'm not a premium user) towards the end of my workout. We enjoyed watching Star Wars together and he had actually bought us tickets to see the new Star Wars movie with his friends when we were planning to go on vacation. Now he is just going. I would never be able to go on a trip that was meant to be for us as a couple, but then I go alone. I want him to feel how sad and left out I feel and I want him to experience loneliness and longing for me on this trip. It is how I feel and it's just not fair. I'm still in utter disbelief that this happened. How can you go from telling someone you love them "a million times more" than whatever and then break up with them the next day? I think it is cruel and harsh. I don't deserve that. I don't deserve to feel like I'm not good enough, that I won't amount to anything. I began believing it and I lost myself completely. I'm trying to rebuild my self-esteem, but it's hard when these outside critics have become negative automatic thoughts in my head. The people that didn't like me got their way. I was overpowered. I know I'm a good person with some stuff to work on (hello...why I created this blog), but come on! I really hope that he feels some regret. I have a lot better to look forward to honestly...perhaps one day a family that accepts me for ME. I will be successful if I follow my interests and passions independently of those who are narrow-minded and put me down. Why'd he have to side with them? Ugh. Sometimes I don't know whether writing and talking about this makes me feel better or worse. Anyway, gotta keep trucking and tend to some chores and meal-making on this snowy Saturday night...perhaps watch Elf?

The ultimate sign that I am healing...wait for it...

So today I unloaded and loaded my dishwasher after not doing it for about a week. The dishwasher is something I hate to do even when I'm very chipper. I am organizing my space, trying to figure out what I do and do not need and am staying productive. Well productive is something I always am no matter who is in my life. When I'm not productive in some way, that's a bad sign. I tend to bounce back. I understand with bouncing back comes the sometimes difficult days. I spoke with my doc today and told him that I feel like I no longr need to be on my additional medications. He said, "Congratulations. You are resilient." I guess I am. I'm not bent out of shape. I'm physically active, busy, and have plans with my friends tonight (we will see because of the snow). And if I don't end up seeing my friends, I will spend time alone with me and some hot cocoa and a movie (whilst probably doing chores)! I hope you all stay safe in the snow. My yoga class today was BLISSFUL. I wanted to take a picture of where I sat on my mat in a room overlooking the river as it snows, but when I'm in a yoga studio, I like to keep my items of attachment away from me. My phone is my upmost attachment to myself. So in lieu of a photo, here is a funny little cartoon that I enjoy:

Frozen Veggie Lasagna Wisdom

I'm eating my dinner now at 11:30 PM because I had a yoga class, gym session, and had to shower at the gym because my tub was just refurnished. When I got back home, I had a long phone conversation with him. It just ended. I cried (as expected), tried to talk things through, process, and figure things out. I feel some closure. I feel like I'm going to be OK. I feel like I am already OK. This pleasantly surprises me. Just because I emote does not mean I am flying off the handle. I am self-regulating and simply feeling.  He has my best interests in mind and I agree that we both need to be alone for some time to figure ourselves out. We may meet again, we may not. I have to surrender to the unpredictable possibility of either. I miss him dearly and genuinely hope for the best for him. We continue to love each other. However, I do realize that love is not the only thing you need. I want to get to a place where I am making decisions for myself re: career, education, and interests for ME (no outside influences). I also want to feel good about me. I get glimpses of this feeling here-and-there and it feels pretty sweet! I want to be whole. I want to be able to better self-regulate. I want to be a self. I guess the only way to be one is to be one! I must be open to the opportunities that lie ahead. I have to change my mindset and need to work hard. If I cannot change, then how can I be an effective therapist in helping others change? I think you and I already know the answer to this one. I KNOW that I can..for ME. I just have to do my healing work, keep on chugging along, and learn about me! As for now, I plan to do a little self-soothing by munching on a yummy peppermint chocolate dessert from Trader Joe's and drinking some tea. As for tomorrow morning, I have to wake up before 9 for that snowy yoga session! Just gotta keep it moving and #loveyoself. Also #treatyoself. I'm super excited to receive my Rodan and Fields skincare regimen, ring, and funky new yoga pants in the mail in the next couple days! #swag

Riding the wave

I was pretty damn chipper today... until we were asked to participate in a guided meditation about our thoughts floating away like leaves on a stream. We were asked to envision a body of water where we have had good experiences in. I tried to get my mind to go to a local park, but it kept going to a river by his house, after which his road is named after. I loved that peaceful road with horse farms, walking bridges, and beautiful nature lining the river. I yearned to return there and knew I would not. Him and I would stay at his parents' house as a retreat some weekends and I would encourage us to do things outside and in nature whenever we could. What a beautiful area that is. I miss it. I miss him. We were asked to share about the exercise and I choked up while speaking about my experience doing it. I see him and I hugging each other on the bridge overlooking the river either after or during a run. I noticed in my body feeling very restless and anxious until the end of the day when I got in my car. I began to cry and cried all the way home. Part of the reason is that I knew I wasn't coming home to him, which I would also do on Fridays. Part of me keeps wishing he will appear on my front steps asking for me back and realizing he made a mistake. I miss him and everything about him. I am mourning. I am sad, but I know that I will heal without having to be rescued by him or by another (as I have in the past). I won't let it happen. As far as the spending more money goes, I am going to take a yoga class tonight at 6:45 with my coworker and friend who I had wanted to reconnect with for some time. My intention tonight is to heal my heart through movement and self-love and care--this is essentially what yoga is. Namaste.

Save your trauma for your...therapist

Good afternoon! Today, I'm really feeling my career, interest, and passions. I'm taking a social work CEU (continuing education unit) course at work on the group treatment approach with clients who have a trauma history. I'm actually totally fascinated and love working with people with trauma and the new wave of mindfulness and whole-body healing, along with the scientific evidence and biofeedback that exists today.  During these trainings, I learn new things and gain new insights about my own life as well as my clients’ lives. I'm a big advocate of the new as well as the tried-and-true evidence-based approaches. I am really a lab-rat at this time as I work to heal myself. I try to live mindfully. Speaking of which, I have a yoga class at this super cozy studio on a riverbank by where I live tomorrow morning. I'm pretty jazzed that it’s supposed to snow during that time and I look forward to enjoying a beautiful, calming practice (yet strenuous, I'm sure) and journeying within. I noticed that in the past week I have been spending more money on myself than I have in a while. I bought some extra yoga classes, a new pair of leggings and a ring for myself. This weekend I plan on doing some work in my apartment and organizing and determining what I do and do not need.

It is  quite refreshing to know that I have these career interests and passions independently from my telling him about them. I would often text him during these moments of interest and excitement for what lies ahead in my career to inform him of my thirst for knowledge and continuing education. I have notice that I question myself less and love myself more without the influence and criticism of his disapproving parents. I often question and doubt my positive feelings but WWTMD (What would Therapist Marie Do)? I would welcome them and accept them without judgment. And so I am.

Sitting on my couch

So I'm finally home after my long day of work, longer because I was dreading coming home to see his stuff removed from outside my apartment door. I was contemplating walking around the nearby Lord and Taylor for a little to look at nice things and take my mind off of my current situation. Sometimes distraction is good and sometimes it just delays the inevitable. I decided to not go because of that reason. I would have to face this whether I went to the store or not.
I began feeling anxious and sad once again tonight during and after facilitating a depression group at work. I left work a few minutes earlier because I had trouble sitting with the anxiety. I began my journey home. I was in one of those moods where I feel like I have to cry but can't fully cry. I knew that if he picked up his stuff, then this is official the end. I pulled into my street, wishfully thinking his car was parked and he was waiting for me to come home, telling me it was the biggest mistake he ever made. On my drive home and on my street, I scanned for cars that looked like his. I wanted to desperately to see him, but knew it isn't healthy for me to do so. His car was nowhere to be found. On most Thursday nights, I would look for his car. It would be in a nearby spot and he would be inside my apartment, awaiting for me to come home after my long day with a hug and a kiss. I feel like I would do anything to get that back at this time. I also do realize I am going through the "normal" healing and grieving from a break-up process. I wrote him a letter that I saw he took from the envelope. I allowed myself to cry about the finality and then I lit some sage to help clear the negative energy that has been created here since Friday. I'm sad, but I also am learning to realize glimpses of my awesome characteristics. I get positive feedback from my clients, friends, family, and therapist. I am a work in progress, but definitely someone worth their while. I have a good soul. You can't get that from a fancy school or fancy job. You get it from being your authentic self. Goodnight, and thank you for reading this and growing with me. <3

God grant me the serenity...

I noticed my clock at work and it is approaching 6:00. I wonder if he came to get his stuff already. He gets out of work at 5, sometimes later. I don't want to go back to my apartment tonight knowing that the box and bag are not there. But I must. My apartment is MY home. I have to just cope with the sad feelings that are coming up for me now as I can picture him driving to my apartment for the last time, with me not being there. I wish he could stay the night and that things can go back to normal. I found myself saying the serenity prayer in my head with my hand on my heart, as I walked back to my office from dropping a client off at reception. I sometimes think, and am often told in my yoga classes and readings, that the body, mind, and soul automatically know what it has to do to heal. At this moment, my mind and soul need prayer. I'm off to get my next client. My job is serving me well at this time, as I gain perspective on my losses while focusing on other challenges than my own.

Beginning to awaken

Hey, guys. I have to tell you that since last night I 've been actually feeling like myself again. I cleaned my room, took out my garbage, rearranged some things, got a grocery list together and put my Christmas decorations up. I was feeling pretty good today and excited to set my own path for MYSELF and do what I, and no one else wants to do, in order to find out who I truly am. Today I am realizing the finality of my relationship when he comes to pick his stuff up today (I will not be present for this, as planned). On my way out the door to go to work, I blew a kiss to the box and said goodbye to both the wonderful and the trying times him and I have shared. Part of me wants him to not pick up his stuff and change his mind, but I do realize that I need to accept reality and make the most out of this time for myself.  I've been filling up my mind with positive affirmations, yoga, self-help books, supportive people, and positive songs. My mornings tend to be pretty good and hopeful. I notice that I start feeling anxious and sad typically during the afternoon, but bounce back in the evenings. I tell myself that this is a process; that this is healing. I make sure to highlight my successes--not my woes-- to others.

What was an ordinary daily task (and one of many) has now become great successes to me--as my therapists puts it. I saw her today and had a really good and honest session. I had never heard a therapist tell me straight up that I experienced childhood trauma. Pretty much everyone has minimized it in my life thus far. Every little task has become a success to me. I have done yoga 2x this week and want to continue going to the gym tomorrow after work...after I do my long overdue laundry tonight. He would usually come over on Thursday nights and the last time I saw him was last Friday. I will continue to stay positive throughout my pain of missing him and will keep busy. It's important to be able to spend time alone and just "be". I've already learned some lessons from this experience. I want to explore my spirituality and any interests and hobbies that I may gravitate towards. I want to figure out who I am, what a stand for, and what type of schooling or training I take most interest in--that I will pursue. I want to reconnect with family and friends. Right now, I am scared, anxious, excited, sad, mourning, relieved, happy, and numb all at the same time. And that is OK. I'm allowing myself to go through this process. I began longing for him during my lunch break because I went to a place where him and I had frequented a few times. Again...this is OK. I have to keep it moving, keep working, and keep taking care of myself as I care for my clients.

And by the way!... I also didn't remember my dreams last night, so as far as I'm aware, I didn't have any nightmares! I rested my pillow atop 2 crystals (rose quartz and lipidolite) that are said to help block bad energy and nightmares. Whatever it really was...it worked! Sweet daydreams at work, everybody! <3

What you resist persists

Tonight after work I wasn't feeling so crappy, which was honestly very strange to me based on how I've been feeling these past few days. Perhaps I am numb, perhaps I am accepting (5 Stages of Grief ala Elizabeth Kubler- Ross...see below). I honestly felt there was something wrong with me that I was O.K. I began cleaning up my clothes, dishes, and other items that I left around my apartment without care when I was feeling extremely depressed. I revisited some old memorable items and wrote a letter without crying. I went early to my yoga class to talk to my friend. As soon as I walked in to the studio, she embraced with a hug that radiated so much love I could cry. You think I didn't? Of course I did. It's so powerful feeling that kind of love from a friend, family member, coworker, or lover. I feel lucky to be alive and loved during these moments. I love going to yoga because of the community and support. I had a great class in a small room with a lot of people. I laughed, interacted, sweat, stretched and flowed.  The class focused on hip opening. This is where we store much of our emotions in our bodies. The idea of opening our hips was to open ourselves to everything that comes our way in life. We also did some grounding poses to help us stay grounded and rooted while experiencing life. My instructor offered us some advice to accept whatever feelings, emotions, life events, etc. that we come across in life, because "what you resist persists". That makes a lot of sense. Acceptance really goes a long way, though it's very difficult sometimes. I liked this advice and needed to hear it tonight. It is OK that I feel angry, sad, neutral, happy...whatever. If you try to fight your feelings, they stay. I'm doing my best. We are not perfect.  I know I need to accept myself more.  I felt very calm and peaceful after class. I described this feeling to my friend and my instructor after class as "yoga drunk". I'm happy to experience these healing moments for myself in a supportive and loving community.

The 5 Stages of Grief include denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Someone who is grieving a loss can and will vacillate among the different stages...a little psycho ed for you and me. 

This too shall pass

So today I'm having a bit of a weird and anxious day. I had some wild upsetting dreams last night. I looked up their meanings, which actually made a lot of sense to me at this time. After the breakup I have been having recurring  dreams about the breakup and challenges I was experiencing in the relationship. On top of the weird dreams, I woke up too late and was almost an hour late to work (which is totally unlike me). This would have never flied if I had a set client first thing in the morning. TG it was an intake day for me, which means it is OK that I got in to work later. I'm feeling anxious because I have spent most of my day trying to figure out my schedule and vacation time now that I will not be going on vacation in mid December, like I had planned with my boyfriend. I'm scrambling trying to rollover vacation days, getting reimbursed for a seminar, and only taking half days here and there to lower the number of excess days I have to roll over for next year. I'm stressed about this...as if a breakup isn't hard enough already. I feel like my mind is going a mile a minute. I go from feeling depressed to feeling anxious. I'm trying to tell myself that these dreams are simply a way that my unconscious is trying to process and work through the loss I recently have experienced. I have wonderful friends and family helping me through this time. I am forever grateful for their love and support. My coworker went out of her way to see how I was feeling, and guess what? She is in a similar situation to my own! We exchanged numbers. Another person in my support system! I'm a lucky girl. My apartment is a mess and I have so much to do in it...my laundry has not been done in weeks, I was late to work, I'm behind on my notes. My anxiety and depression are swirling around my head. But that is OK. This too shall pass. I am planning to go to my yoga studio with my friend tonight to talk with her and to take a class. I felt my entire body shaking during the first (and only) yoga class I've attended since the breakup. It felt as if my physical and emotional damage from that experience was just trying to release. I know I still store it inside of me, along with the effects of my past emotional wounds. I'm looking forward to mindfully moving and talking with a true friend. I'm also planning to sign up for a seminar on trauma and attachment next week (when I would have been on vacation). I'm trying to keep busy, surround myself by loved ones. I just sent the final text to him and reminded him about coming to pick up his items. Just shed a couple tears, but need to keep chugging along through the rest of my day. I am no longer mad. We had peaceful text exchanges and there is still a lot of love between us. This is all part of the process, perhaps a more intense process when you account for the depression, anxiety, and codependency. I am working this out. I am healing. I am growing into a better person.

Wearing my rose quartz mala beads (for the heart chakra/ self-love and compassion) and my St. Anthony bracelet to remind myself to be gentle with myself while I heal.

THIS.

Here is the link to an article I just read from Psych Central: https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2014/07/16/delusions-of-the-codependent.

This was an awesome article!  It paints such a real and honest picture of the thoughts and actions of a codependent among other addictions that can co-occur with codependency.

Starting the Healing Process

This is my first ever post on this blog! Thank you for taking the time to visit. It's really quite interesting as an objective therapist and traumatizing as an adult with a history of childhood trauma to experience a sudden acutely stressful life experience. When horrible things happen in your life, you may realize you were not as far along in healing or individuation than you thought you were. I know I felt this way and continue to do so. My extemely strong negative reaction was a major wakeup call for me to change my ways. I am really interested in learning the psychology behind ACE's (Adverse Childhood Experiences) and how such victims act as adults...and most importantly how we can fix it. Often children who have experienced trauma/ ACE's become codependent. The best definitions of codependent I have come across is from Dictionary.com:

adjective

1.

of or relating to a relationship in which one person is physically or psychologically addicted...and the other person is psychologically dependent on the first in an unhealthy way.

noun

2.

one who is codependent or in a codependent relationship.

Good thing is that you can recover from it! Doing so requires lots of patience, love, and acceptance from yourself and from your loved ones. I haven't recovered yet, which is why I want to share with you my journey towards healing and to keep the positivity and hope. Goodnight! <3

 Just some of my healing goals/tasks/books. Should keep me pretty busy for the next couple of months. I want to soak in all of the knowledge and healing I can! Not pictured: Codependent--Now What by Lisa A. Romano.