Moving to Wordpress!

So I decided it was time for me to move on to Wordpress. As of today, 12/23/2017, I am continuing my blog at the following website address: learningtolovememarie.wordpress.com. Please continue to follow me on my journey towards healing, self-love, and happiness! Xoxo Blogspot, Me...Marie!

Clearing the cobwebs

So I have to admit, I have been a functional depressed person for the past 3 weeks. I let my apartment get dirty and dusty and the sink pile up high. I am usually a decently organized person who at least plans a day during the week to get everything in order, but I hadn't done that in 3 weeks. I kind of stopped caring. This trickled down to other areas of my life as well. Thankfully, I have had the same drive to help my clients (but not to complete the paperwork). It feels good to literally clear the cobwebs and wipe my apartment clean like a new slate. I was starting to feel funky as work came to a close, but I pulled myself out of it by focusing on what will make me feel better! I am thinking about switching over the Wordpress, as there is not too much of a following on Blogger and I feel that my blog can actually help people and accrue some additional support which we all need. :) I'll be sure to post the new link, should I make the switch.

I miss seeing you after work on Fridays

I really miss this. A lot. Coming home to you in my bed working from home, hopping in bed with you and feeling your warm embrace. I have to provide that to myself today. My body and mind is yearning for him on this cool cloudy day. I have to be my own comfort from now on. It's OK to miss him and to think about him. I had a dream last  night that my worst nightmare came true. I did not want to discuss it here or reprocess what I had dreamt. As you learn about yourself, you learn what you can elaborate on and take and what you can leave. I have 2 more client to go and then I return home. I feel sad, but I have to keep it moving. I acknowledge that there is going to be some residual missing for some time. An intense 2.5 year loving relationship doesn't just go away in our memories or our hearts. The art in that is being able to carry on with grace and love for the self. I have been stumbling and ask for the forgiveness of anyone I have hurt because I am hurting. The pain feels less acute as each week goes by, but it stays with me- especially during this time of the day when it happened. I'm going to hop off-line and prepare for my client. Send yourself some extra love this holiday season. I know I'm going to try to send lots of it to myself and to the special people in my life who support me. Lord knows I need it myself.

Good day to give and receive!

So I found myself being a little elf this morning buying giftcards and writing cards to my coworkers and my therapist before work. It felt so so good to give to those who have supported me through thick-and-thin in my life and at this job. Last night I went to do a little Christmas shopping and I found myself feeling depressed because so much reminded me of him...to the point where I contemplated buying something and mailing it to him. I have a good and loving soul. He knows this. I think our love was cut too quickly on his accord for more reasons than he had mentioned. That is my opinion of the matter at this point in time. So as I was elfing around today, I felt really good about giving to those who have helped me. I got in to work, handed out a few giftcards, and then I saw the dreaded red light show up on my phone, indicating that I have a voice mail. Time to kill my fun gifting because my client has arrived? No...it was a voice message from "upstairs", the big boss people who make the financial decisions from approving CEU courses to salaries. The person who left the voice message indicated that I wasn't in trouble and shouldn't worry, and asked me to come upstairs when I had the chance before my first client. A coworker clued me in before that this news is "good", but didn't want to spoil the surprise for me. So I walk upstairs, heart pounding, not knowing what I was going to get...and guess what? As of January 1, I got a bump in my salary! A raise! A much-needed raise! I am so close to my LCSW licensure that it will increase more once I'm fully licensed. Happy Birthday, Christmas, and New Years to me! He would be the first one I would tell, but the ones that truly are there for me shine during such times. I called my parents and then my friends! Now back to work, so I can actually prove that I deserve this raise! :P

Well that was an unexpected turnaround

I woke up feeling absolutely horrible this morning. Shaky, anxious, borderline panic attacky and overall sad and angry about a long-winded string of saved texts and memories I sent to him last night and reviewed to myself this morning before deleting them. This morning I felt like I couldn't go on with my day or my life. It's such a paralyzing feeling...so I did something about it. Manually got myself out of bed, did some reading,  watched some inspirtational TED talks, did some journaling, and then I took my ass to a yoga class by the river. My mood and perspective completely changed since I walked into a peaceful room full of very supportive yogis (I lucked out this class and even got some chocolate at the end!). I told introduced myself and told them my life is a mess...they embraced me, saying "join the club!"  It is most necessary to keep busy and to surround yourself with others often. No, I won't forget about my sadness among other feelings (in case anyone was wondering), but at least I can replace a thought here-and-there with me and not him or negative feelinfs. Now I'm going to try to keep it moving and try not to dwell on anything that may throw me off-course. I'd really love to develop some type of structured program for people in similar situations to my own right now, or even better, a prevention type of program so that little kids don't end up feeling like I am feeling as an adult. I am also extremely fortunate to have the money to take yoga classes, go to private therapy, engage in meditation, be exposed to technology and education, and treat myself to gifts from the heart. I'm having a hunch with this field of self-care. Maybe I'll take it somewhere someday. Maybe I'll become even better.   

Life is tough. Life isn't fair.

Another whirlwind of a day. I'm thinking about taking my healing process on a less public platform. I can update about things that have helped me. I find the push to go within tonight, as I am feeling a lot of different ways on this 27th birthday of mine. Goodnight.

Birthday wishes and therapy thoughts

Although I feel somewhat like crap here-and-there today and missing him, I do experience moments of bliss and joy from people who care about me that send me well wishes and vibes. I can't get over how truly stormy emotions can be, as a first-hand observer. They go from tropical storms, to hurricanes, to tropical depressions, to sunny days on the beach...and in no set order. Sometimes they feel intolerable, other times they feel tolerable. Just like a difficult yoga pose or a difficult workout, I know I can persevere through the sometimes extraordinarily painful. Other times I need to give myself a time-out to catch a breather, take a child's pose, or have a sip of water--feel the effects of my journey and my process. Mental health is so confusing, with so many contributing factors-- it is not an exact science or clearly understood. Hell, this shit is so hard to figure out that us therapists should get paid a lot more than we are trying to help people navigate and make sense of their lives as we try to do the same. It's really quite an abstract concept and topic, yet it essentially comprises of all of our beings. #Whatisthemeaningoflife